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I HAVE SINNED SO MUCH!




By
Umm Sumayyah MAI

For every single one of us, is an appointed Angel who sees to our affairs. No one of Allaah's creatures is fallible. Those whom you think are flawless ain't the best, they actually do have their own shortcomings. Everyone of us is a sinner, we are not free from committing sin, we may not, till death comes our way.

While you begin to think you have sinned so much, it means Allaah has given you the heart to actually realize your mistakes, the heart to think and ponder on what actually led to the sin, and your preparedness to leave such sin. I do believe, that a good believer wouldn't wanna be sinning deliberately, he wouldn't want to be a perpetual sinner, and be joyful over his enormous sin. 

Again, sin is that thing we do behind closed doors. No good Muslim really and truly wants to disobey Allaah in a public space except otherwise. As Muslim, we are advised to be mindful of Allaah both in our private and public lives. But we still sin, due to our imperfections and we seek Allaah's forgiveness. Allaah Azza Wa Jall forgive sins that we committed, He overlooks our mistakes and still showers on us His mercy.

It is one of the tricks of Shaytaan, to ever think your sins are too much, and that perhaps Allaah will not forgive them. Shaytaan entered peoples' heart during such thought and will want to make them think negatively. Such that, one thinks one has sinned so much and may not be forgiven again by Allaah.

During that period, one is extremely sad, wouldn't want to do anything to seek Allaah's face, or either become relatively depressed. By so doing, you are giving shaytan upper hand over yourself. You may simply not find yourself worth-living again, and eventually, lose hope in Allaah's Rahmah.

At that moment, Shaytaan becomes happy, that, truly you have given up, that indeed 'he' has a partner who had lost hope in Allaah, the same way he 'Shaytaan' did. You even find some Muslim giving up on their daily salawat, ibaadat and only appeared confused and desperate.

Shaykh Ibn Qayyim said in one of his articles; that indeed, a "Muslim doesn't become sad", being sad or depressed is a way for shaytan to misguide you and make you feel worthless. It is an opportunity for Shaytaan to laugh at you while you know not. Allaah, The Almighty, Says (interpretation of the meaning): 

And who despairs of the Mercy of his Lord except for those astray?} [Quran 15: 56]

{Indeed, no one despairs of relief from Allah except the disbelieving people.}[Quran 12:87]

This is Allaah statement for us to ponder. For us to know for fact, that, as Muslim, we must never give up on seeking forgiveness. We must never give up until death comes our way.

It was said to al-Hasan al-Basri: Would not anyone of us feel ashamed before his Lord to seek forgiveness from his sins. then go back to it, then seek forgiveness then go back to it? He said: The shaytan would like you to feel that way; never give up seeking forgiveness. 

To sum this article up, I'd said to myself and you, never give up on Allaah's Rahmah, and forgiveness. It doesn't mean you have to deliberately be sinning, hoping to seek forgiveness and go back to same sin, Nay! What it does means is for us to always fight our souls and never ever deliberately commit sin towards our Rabb!

May Allaah please accept our sincere repentance. May He accept this little effort as an act of lbadaah. Ya Rabbal 'Aalameen!


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