PAYING ATTENTION TO FOREPLAY

 

(for married and prospective couples)

Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori

One of the best things a woman can offer her husband in her marriage is intimacy. A woman is naturally created to be shy and this is praiseworthy. Islam promotes bashfulness. But unless a woman removes the veil of shyness in the bedroom with her husband, it will be difficult for her to achieve the desired objective. 

On the other hand, men are urged to create the enabling environment for their wives to be vulnerable towards them when it comes to intimacy. The Muslim community is facing a big challenge on marital sex. A lot of men are still not ready to change some of their primitive beliefs on marital sex. For instance, some men still believe their wives can't aspect for sex. The era of deceit on sexual right in marriage is gradually been eroded, thanks to some of the little efforts we are trying to make to correct the anomalies. 

Apart from the fact that I have had the privilege of counseling many couples going through sexual problems in their marriages, the Mawaddah Project has opened my eyes to many of the challenges Muslim women are facing in the bedroom with their husbands. The case some women with their husbands is that of hopelessness. There is limit to what can be mentioned here. The Mawaddah Project is designed in a way that gives Muslim women the rare opportunity to express themselves on this matter with a bid to get solutions and avoid falling into prohibited acts. May Allāh reward Akorede Rawsheedah Saheed for all her efforts before and after the commencement of the project. By Allāh, the reality so far is that we still have a long way to go in solving the problems on ground. A lot is happening in the Muslim bedrooms.

During the Mustaeina Marriage Symposium, I specifically spoke about foreplay and the need for it to last as long as couples wish. This is a message I will continue to pass to my fellow men anytime I have the opportunity to do so in Sha Allāh. When we got home that day, Bar. Ahmad Adetola-Kazeem asked me, "so there are men who do not value foreplay", and I said yes. Sadly, there are so many men on this table. It is time to really check ourselves and decide if we want to do the right thing or just continue to deceive ourselves thinking everything is fine, while many women suffer in silence over what they are entitled to as married women. Sex is a marital right regarding which Allāh will question all marry men and women.

Some men think spending an hour or more for foreplay is a waste of time. Some men can watch football matches, play games and gist assemblies for hours, yet being intimate with their wives for just an hour is considered joblessness. May it not be too late for them to realize their mistakes. Though some experts are of the view that foreplay can last for between 10 to 20 minutes, while some opine that it could last for 30 to 40 minutes. The problem is that some men don't even want to pay attention to it at all. Their main focus is just to satisfy themselves. They are careless, whether their wives are satisfied or not. 

Some experts have maintained the position that foreplay can last for as long as couples want it, meaning that it can be up to or even more than an hour depending on couples preferences. The point here is that each couple can do what suits them as long as they are satisfied. There are many benefits in foreplay. If proper attention is paid to some of the foreplay tips discussed in Halāl Sex and Intimacy, couples will realize that the one hour or more may not even be enough. It depends on how much couples value it. The objective is for couples to spend more time together intimately. What many people do not understand is that foreplay starts from any sexual move made before actual intercourse. One of the big problems is that most men do not read books. Up till this moment, some women are still begging the husbands to read Halāl Sex book with them and apply without any positive result. 

Men need to know that women generally cherish pre-coition intimacy more than the actual intercourse. Your wife wants to enjoy your intimate presence with her for as long as possible. The body contact is more pleasing to her. The focus should always be on thrusting. Sex is not just about penetration. After climaxing, most men find it difficult to continue and it may be that the wife is just getting or has just gotten into the mood. A prolonged foreplay would allow a man to pleasure his wife to a great extent and finish it up with penetration. Particularly, it is not advisable for a man suffering from Quick Ejaculation (QE) to rush for penetration because his wife is unlikely to be satisfied before he releases. The scholars warned strongly against selfishness in sexual intercourse. Both parties should be satisfied. In addition, men do not need to take those dangerous pills or unauthorized herbs that could cause them immediate or future health issues. Longer foreplay will fill the vacuum that QE is likely to create. 

There is a need to create enough time for intimacy. There is no reason to be in haste in foreplay except the Intercourse is meant to be a "quickie". Experience has clearly shown that women's sexuality is still highly underrated by a lot of men in the Muslim community and it is very dangerous for the morality and spiritual well-being of the society. There are temptations everywhere. Fear Allāh, do not starve your women of sex. Thinking a wife may not really need sex as she grows older is erroneous. That may even be when she needs it most. 

Men in Polygyny are particularly admonished to pay attention to their wives sexual needs. The fact that multiple women are sharing a man in this regard makes it more important for a man in polygyny to attend to the sexual urge of his wives and not just assume that they are fine without it. Taking it from them when they have tasted the sweetness is dangerous. Women, please do not be shy to ask your husbands for it. It is your right and it has great purposes to serve on your Deen, physical and emotional well-being. One of the main purposes of getting married is to be protected from zina (fornication and adultery). But if marital sex is not taken seriously, it can lead to zina or other related sins, such as pornography, masturbation and lesbianism. Allah's aid is sought!

To be honest, the economic situation in the country is enough to make a man lose interest in sex, just as stress and maltreatment can make a woman to lose interest in it. But couples must be very careful not to allow shaytān take over the situation. A couple may not have sex for days, but the intimate activities must be kept alive always. The more couples distance themselves from intimate activities with each other, the more the gap they create between them. If a man is complaining of work stress to abscond from intimacy, his wife should know the seductive means to lure him to bed. And if a woman is losing interest in sex on account of stress, her husband should learn the tips to employ to boost her interest in it.

May Allāh guide us aright.