MARRIAGE AND "CHISELING " THE ROUGH EDGES" DOCTRINE

By

Abu Imrān

20th Rabi'ul Awwal 1446 AH (23rd September 2024)

When you wish to join two objects together, the best approach is to first chisel off the rough edges till you have a fine smooth surface on both ends. Then you can align the objects and apply adhesives. If the surfaces are rough, applying an adhesive will make them stick but it is common knowledge that it is only temporary. Sooner or later, they will break apart.

Marriage is like joining two objects with rough edges together. But in marriage the joining comes first, then the chiselling comes afterwards. The rough edges are our individual characters and flaws that may be inimical to the union. The more of our 'rough edges' we are able to get rid of, the better the bond that joins us in marriage. It is common sense though that picking someone with less jagged 'rough edges' makes the work easier.

Compatibility is important to marriage, but what we do after marriage is a greater determinant of the longevity of that marriage than the compatibility with which it was started. Truly, some incompatibilities can not be remedied, but many others can be corrected if both parties are committed to chiseling off the 'rough edges' that make them incompatible. 

Realistically, there will always be some level of incompatibility with someone you wish to marry because you are two different individuals. But some people just seem to be more compatibile than others, it doesn't mean there is a total difference of points of incompatibility. In essence, if two persons who seem so compatible were to get married and are not committed to putting in the required effort to make the marriage work, what seemed like a negligible incompatibility can grow into a double headed monster till the marriage crumbles. The same way if two people who seemed to have gaping differences were to be committed to changing themselves and making the marriage work, they just may find a smoother surface eventually and bond. This is what happens in some marriages that have a bumpy start, till they find their rhythm and it works from there.

The real problem is that not too many people are willing to change who they are or give up their flaws to make the marriage work. I guess that's why some people are so fixated on compatibility forgetting that what you do after marriage has a greater impact on the marriage than choosing the 'perfect spouse'. Rather than introspect sincerely and figure out what we are doing wrong that is hurting the marriage, we will rather invest our energy in playing the victim and convincing people we are the aggrieved party.

Marriage is about two halves making a whole. It is not a union of two perfect people. Incompatibilities are only worrisome at the beginning if they are glaringly intolerable. Otherwise, your compatibility will be ultimately determined by what you both do after the marriage.