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HANDLING MARITAL RIFTS

 



By

IbnAbdillah As-sudaisiy Ala-Iloori


Couples need loads of patience to stay together forever. The fact that a marriage has once witnessed domestic violence or verbal aggression doesn't mean that is the end. It may just be a means of trial from Allāh on affected parties. Hence, they must be patient upon the trials of Allāh and rectify themselves. Couples should mind their words in the middle of a marital dispute and avoid being pushed to the wall to pronounce or seek divorce prematurely as the case may be. There is no gainsaying in the fact that some trivial issues are breaking many homes in society. It all boils down to the problem of ego and lack of proper and adequate marriage counselling. 


Don't compare you marriage with that of your friends. What you are facing in your marriage right now might just be a test from Allāh. The way you deal with means a lot to your spiritual well-being. You can't afford to fail. Don't rush for divorce. After hardship, there is ease. May Allāh ease your affairs. 


These days, many young people dream big on marriage. They expect perfection from their prospective spouses. They only think about the positive sides of marriage, the negative tendencies are not within their contemplation. So, once they face one negative side of  marriage, they feel completely heart-broken and disappointed. This is not to say that there are no genuine grounds for divorce in some cases, but on many occasions, people are going for divorce without exausting their options as commanded in the sharī'ah. If we think there is one bitter pill in marriage that we cannot, we should know and understand that those were better than us (the Salaf) faced greater trials and they were patient. They are the ones we should emulate in whatever condition we find ourselves.


If you hear what some women are doing to their husbands and they are still patient, you will be patient with your wive(s) and handle her carefully. On the other hand, if you hear what some husbands are doing to their wives while they remain patient, you will have no option than to deal with your husband patiently. Of course, there are some very difficult situations, yet don't rush for divorce except as a matter of last resort.


Sometimes, when we write on marriage, some of those who are not yet married would say, "you are just scaring us". No, we are not scaring you, we are only preparing you that, patience and humility are the hallmarks of a blissful marital life. You will see some things that should ordinarily get you angry and act as if you didn't see them. You will deal with issues calmly and not recklessly. So, be prepared! May Allāh grant you the best of partners.


Parents and Marriage Counselors should try to prepare the minds of their wards and clients respectively on the intricacies of marital disputes and teach them how to handle the situation with wisdom. No matter how sweet a marriage is, it will experience some painful days that could end up in some crises. If couples don't learn how to manage these crises, it may escalate and lead to divorce. May Allāh protect us.


Parents should not condone unnecessary stories from their children against their spouses. Some parents, especially women can't strike a balance between their emotional love for their children and what is best for them in a given circumstance. So, it is not everything that you can tell your father or mother regarding your spouse if at all you want to be married and remain in a marriage. This is not a call to remain in an abusive marriage at all cost, it is rather a notice of caution eschew hastiness in taking marital disputes to our parents or third parties who are capable of blowing the case beyond proportion. Sometimes, the nature of your marriage confidant may determine the duration of your marriage


By the time a parent gives room for his or her child to narrate what has been happening in his or her marriage, there will be problem. Couples shouldn't expose themselves to third-parties, including their parents except in extreme cases. They should know who to confide in. If couples confide in people with narrow minds, that may be the end of the marriage. Sometimes, the nature of your marriage confidant may determine the duration of your marriage. And if parents are to intervene in any marital dispute, they should fear Allāh because their decision will not only affect the couples, it would have a lot of emotional implications on the fruits of the marriage. 


Listening to the recent lectures of our Sheikh, Dr. Sharafudden Gbadebo Raji حفظه الله on the Chapter of Divorce in Buluughul Marām, I was able to understand that some of the major causes of divorce in our society are: ignorance of relevant shar'īah principles, impatience, ego, third party interference and the expectation that a spouse must be perfect. He gave some true live examples full of lessons that show that lack of patience and ignorance are the major causes of divorce in our society.


May Allāh guide us aright.

5 comments:

  1. Jazākallāhu khayrān to our amiable Barrister for this well-expository and insightful write-up on Marital rifts. More power to your elbow sir.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jazākallāhu khayrān to our amiable Barrister for this well-expository and insightful write-up on Marital rifts. More power to your elbow sir.

    ReplyDelete
  3. JazakAllahu khayran sir for this beautiful and eye opening piece. May Allah grant us Sabr and wisdom to stay married when we marr, and may Allah grant the single righteous and patient spouse who have the fear of Allah

    ReplyDelete


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