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IbnAbdillah As-sudaisiy Al-IIoori

27th March, 2021

When there is a crisis between a couple, a lot of things can happen. It is the duty of both parties to be very careful not to allow shaytān hijack the situation because there is no marriage without trials. Any married man or woman who says he or she has never had any reason to quarrel with his or her spouse, no matter how small is only being economical with the truth. No matter what, something will happen that will lead it to something. May Allāh protect us

Sometimes, a dispute between a couple may occur and a spouse can be emotionally or psychologically affected. For instance, a woman may lose her mental health that may columnate into a depression or similar issue. She might feel that she needs a space to recover from a painful incident that has affected her sanity adversely. A marital trouble can make a woman lose interest in domestic duties, including but not limited to cooking and chores, even if she tries to force herself to engage in them. 

The same condition can also make her to lose interest completely in anything pertaining to sex or intimacy. Marital dispute is one of the psychological issues that can lead to hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) as I have discussed in the book 'Halāl Sex and Intimacy, page 154-155. This situation is not peculiar to women, it can affect a man too and can also be as a result of several other psychological factors, and not necessarily just marital issues. It could be as result of stress, self medication, chronic diseases etc.

Generally, a woman is not allowed to refrain from having sex with her husband if her husband asks for it directly or indirectly. It is prohibited under the sharī'ah for a woman to refuse to have sex with her husband if he calls her to bed, without any tangible reason. But when a woman is going through a condition that is capable of affecting her sexual interest or instinct, the husband should try to understand and not insist on having sex with her against her wish (See my discussion on marital rape in the book Halāl Sex and Intimacy page 107). And if it is a man that is affected, his wife should try to understand and not allege her husband wrongly of sex starvation. 

This is why communication is key in a marital relationship. There is no perfect marriage. There is bound to crises, no matter how little. Things can happen that can get either or both parties weak or depressed. But with time, they will get over it and act as if nothing had happened. This is how marriage is. Every would be couples must be enlightened. 

If there is effective dialogue and understanding between a couple,  both parties will get used to any strange situation and would not complain about lack of sex and other inadequacies of their partner. A man will understand the situation of his wife even without her saying anything. The wife will also understand her man. The mental and physical health and well being of a spouse will be paramount to his or partner. Sex and other intimate activities are best engaged in when parties are in the mood. As sweet as sex is, it can be sometimes disgusting and irritating. It is just like your favourite food. It is not every time you see it that you will feel like eating it.

What is the essence of having sex with a woman against her wish. The woman will just be like, "just do whatever you want to do and stand up". The man will just be like, "let me just do it so that she can let me be". As I mentioned in the book 'Halāl Sex and Intimacy (page 100-101, sex timing is very important in marriage. But when there is lack of understanding, this kind of situation can lead to anything, including divorce. Allāh's aid is sought.

*This article is dedicated to Sambo Dare Ibrahim Al Iloori, AbdulHakeem Adeyemi who got married today and Rukayyah Bakare who is getting married tomorrow in Sha Allāh. May Allāh bless their union and put bārakah in their homes.

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