MARRIAGE AND HIGH EXPECTATION

 

©Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori

Among other things, too much expectation is one of the weak areas of many women that can create marital discord. They expect something near to perfection in men and if they don't get it, problem starts. They compare their marriage with that of friends even when they don't know the reality of the situations in their friends' marriage. Some men too are guilty of this (one of my counselees recently fell victim of this), but it is mostly common among women. 

Based on an authentic Hadith, the minds of many men have been prepared to understand that women are created from the bent rib that must not be over-stretched if one doesn't want it to break. Many women on the other give 100% interpretation and place so much reliance on the verse "men are protectors of women..." (Q4:34), forgetting the fact that men too are not perfect. They can only apply this verse and other relevant texts to the best of their abilities. Allāh does not place on a soul more than what it can bear. So, when you are about to get married, try to control your expectation. If your experience in the marriage surpasses your expectation, this is better than for you begin to strive to lower it after it had been extremely hyped.

Sisters, in a marriage (especially polygyny), love your husbands wholeheartedly and unconditionally. But please do not place too much hope on them. They are humans, there is limit to what they can do. Even though men must strive to be the ideal kind of men Islām envisage for the Ummah, try to be moderate in your expectations on them. Know that they are not perfect, they can only try their best. They will make some mistakes that cause you pains, just as you may cause them pain with your actions. But forgiveness is key! If you exercise patience and endure, you will enjoy the best of them. Too much expectation is dangerous. It can cause emotional breakdown when trials of marriage begin to spring up. 

The problem of high expectation is more dangerous in the process of establishing a polygynous home. Women in this situation tend to lose control completely. Some will even forget all the verses and hadith they have memorised on this topic. No admonition will enter their ears until the coast becomes clearer. In a polygamous home, even if a man is the richest man in the world, women under him should not raise their hope too high in order not to be shocked by any event. The man must try his best to be just substantially. But unfortunately or fortunately, he only has just one heart to share between his 2 or more women as the case may be. Polygyny is a great trial for women, and it is a great task for men. It is not for the ignorant or weak people. Hence the need for understanding of men's imperfection in this regard.

May Allāh guide us aright.