SEX STARVATION

 By

Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori

During Mawaddah programme on Gerin FM yesternite, a woman called in to complain about the attitude of some men who don't take intercourse seriously, especially when their wives are still searching for the fruit of the womb and they are not open to discussion. I appealed to men who are guilty of wrong doing in this regard to please engage their wives and find solution to the problem. 

Before you ask me if I have heard from the husband, please note that the woman who called might not be the one directly affected. She might be asking on behalf of another person. Then, the advice here is for those who are guilty of the evil complained of and not those who are sure of their innocence. 

In addition, the confidentiality of people who speak to us on radio or contact us on social media is also very important. Most times, they don't mention their names and we don't want to know them, except they want to be known for a reason best known to them. The truth is that some men are guilty of this foul practice and they will not want to go for medical attention.  This is very wrong and must be rectified if the marriage must last.

Another caller (a man this time) also called our attention to attitude of women who punish their men by refusing intercourse. If their men does anything to them, they stand in their ways when it is time for intercourse. He said many men are being pushed out to look for other women. My reply was to the effect that there is no justification for zina (adultery or fornication). If what the man meant by this is to go out in search for another wife legally, there is no problem. This is permitted by Q4:3. But if what he meant was to go about committing zina (adultery), this is not only shameful, it is abominable. The punishment of adultery under the sharī'ah (stoning to death) is enough to make a Muslim run from it even though it is not being applied in our country. The punishments of the grave and that of the Day of Judgment is severe. May Allāh guide us against zina in all its ramifications.

Meanwhile, it is harām for a woman to deny her husband of sex without reasonable justification. It is understandable when a woman refuses to have intercourse due to menses or some medical reasons that the husband would also understand. She can't just close up without any reason that is justifiable under the sharī'ah. The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم warned against this in one of his authentic hadiths that we all know. A woman who fears Allāh will not deny her husband access to her without just cause. 

It is important to note that some men are also guilty of withdrawing from their wives sexually without reasonable justification. There are instances men can withdraw from their women to caution them on some wrong doings. This law should not be applied wrongly as some men do this days. All things being equal, a man has sexual right that must be protected by is wife and a woman has sexual right to be protected by her husband.  

Sex starvation in a marriage is a serious evil if done without any excuse. Couples should not punish each other on account of sex because it leads to greater evils. In fact, sex is one of the best ways to settle marital disputes. If a couple values intercourse, there is limit to which they will be fighting each other.

However, one of the main causes of sex starvation in marriage is poor treatment of each other. If couples don't treat each other with love and mercy as prescribed in Q30:21, it might be difficult for them to have a fun filled sex life. When a couple treat each other badly, it can lead to hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). This is a syndrome that could make an individual to lose interest in sex with his or her partner completely. Allāh's aid is sought. For instance, a man who beats or abuses his wife unrepentantly will not have the best of her. A woman who is perpetually disobedient and arrogant will not have the best from her husband. This is just natural.

No matter what a man or woman does to entice his or her spouse, he or she might not find him or her attractive for sex if he or she is always treating him or her badly. Treat your spouse well, and you will get the best of him or her, not only in the bedroom affairs, but in some other aspects of marriage. Read more in the book *Halāl Sex and Intimacy* (To buy your copy, contact 08158301855 on WhatsApp only).

Mawaddah Programme holds every Friday on Gerin FM 95.5, Ilorin, 9:00pm.

©Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori