MARITAL SEX RIGHT AND GENDER PECULIARITIES

Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori

It is important for couples to exercise due diligence regarding their sexual relationship. In marriage, sexual rights are as important as non sexual obligations imposed by the sharī'ah upon couples.

As a man is expected to provide shelter for his wife and maintain her financially, he must also pay adequate attention to her sexual needs. In the same manner, as a woman is expected to be obedient and submissive to her husband, the need for her to fulfill his sexual needs is also paramount. This shows that sex is a mutual obligation in a marriage and a very important right to be fulfilled by couples towards each other. If this obligation is neglected or not given the kind of seriousness it deserves, it can affect the purpose of marriage as mentioned by Allāh where He says:

وَمِنْ اٰيٰتِهٖۤ اَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِّنْ اَنْفُسِكُمْ اَزْوَا جًا لِّتَسْكُنُوْۤا اِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَّوَدَّةً وَّرَحْمَةً ۗ اِنَّ فِيْ ذٰلِكَ لَاٰ يٰتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَّتَفَكَّرُوْنَ

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for people who give thought. (QS. Ar-Room: Verse 21)

Sex and intimacy between couples is one of the major ingredients of tranquility, comfort and serenity in a marriage. If husband and wife fail to fulfill each other's sexual needs, it can lead to many problems, including zina (adultery). Allāh's aid is sought.

Some men think their right to ask their wives for sex anytime they want it and how they want it is exclusive to them and their wives cannot even show interest with gestures, let alone asking for it. They believe if a woman seeks sex or gives a sign that she wants it, then she is wayward or untrustworthy. This thought is not only primitive, it is unislamic.

As noted earlier, one of the mutual rights that husband and wife have in a marriage is the right to sex and intimacy. In fact, it is one of the major reasons for getting married. Both genders desire sex in a halāl way through the institution of marriage. It is even a form of ibādah if done based on Islamic guidelines as the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

وَفِي بُضْعِ أَحَدِكُمْ صَدَقَةٌ

And in the bud`i [sexual act] of each one of you there is a charity. [Muslim]

Therefore, sex can be initiated by either of the parties because it is a concurrent right, even though the man has a higher duty to initiate it with his wife. Allāh says:

وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِيْ عَلَيْهِنَّ بِا لْمَعْرُوْفِ ۖ وَلِلرِّجَا لِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ ۗ وَا للّٰهُ عَزِيْزٌ حَكِيْمٌ

And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree over them [in responsibility and authority]. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise. (QS. Al-Baqara: Verse 228)

A woman should not reject her husband's offer for sex without any justification (e.g.menses, sickness or weakness etc.). A man is also expected to give his wife her sexual rights whenever she wants it except there is a reasonable justification for not giving it to her because the right is sacrosanct for both parties. For instance, if the husband is sick or understandably weak or when it is not the wife's night or day in the case of those in polygynous marriage.

In a hadith, Abu Hurayrah رضي الله عنه narrated that the Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم said:

إذا دعا الرجُلُ امرأتَه إلى فِراشِه، فلم تأتِه، فبات غضبانَ عليها؛ لعَنَتْها الملائكةُ حتى تُصبِحَ

If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry with her, the angels will curse her until morning [Bukhari and Muslim]

Though this hadith is generally meant to caution women from rejecting their husbands offer for sex, scholars have used this same hadith to support the position that a woman also has the right to seek sex from her husband. It is not reasonable for a woman to think her husband will be the one to always meet her for sex. If her husband does not ask for it, then she has the right to ask for it politely in a way that will arouse her husband's interest. There are cases of women not wanting to ask their husbands for sex out of pretence or fear of rejection. Some men are fond of rejecting the request of their wives in this regard. Men are admonished to allow their wives to be free with them sexually. This is the Sunnah. Marriage is companionship and not a soldier barracks.

To have a fulfilling sexual relationship, couples must embrace the twin principle of communication and understanding. These are the two main drivers of sexual compatibility between husband and wife. Couples need to strive to keep their sex life alive within the limits set by the sharī'ah.

However, as important as sex is in a marriage, it must be moderated because too much of everything is not good as a poet said:

ثَلاثٌ هُنَّ مُهلِكَةُ الأَنامِ

وَداعِيَةُ الصَحيحِ إِلى السِقامِ

Three things are the cause of the destruction of mankind. The driver of the healthy towards sickness.

دَوامُ مُدامَةٍ وَدَوامُ وَطءٍ

وإدخالُ الطَعامِ عَلى الطَعامِ

Constant intimacy and constant intercourse. And adding food to food

Couples need to be moderate even in their sexual engagements in order to prepare for a time they may be away from each other for a long time. This has happened to some couples and it is not easy to manage because they are used to having sex excessively.

Contrary to common obsession about multiple rounds of sex, research has shown that prolonged penetration or many rounds of sex is not what most men and women actually enjoy in sex. The most important thing is for both parties to be satisfied and not the number of minutes spent thrusting. For instance, women generally love foreplay more than any other thing in sex. This is what men need to be diligent about. In sex, women want intimacy more than the actual intercourse. They love to bond with their partners and not be jumped on anyhow without adequate foreplay. This is what the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم meant by his words:

اجعلوا بينكم وبينهم رسولا,وما هو الرسول يا رسول الله؟ فأجاب: القبلة

Send some messages between you and them. The companions asked him, "what is message oh Messenger of Allāh", he said "kissing" [Sunan Ad-daylami]

It must be noted that the word "kissing" in this narration is not just about kissing the mouth and the lips. It should be interpreted to mean kissing and stimulation of other erogenous parts of the body to prepare for the actual intercourse. "Kissing" in this context encompasses all forms of foreplay that the sharī'ah permits between couples. It is from the Sunnah to prioritize foreplay in sexual relationships. Al-Imām Ibn al Qayyim Al-Jawziyyah رحمه الله said:

وممَّا ينبغى تقديُمُه على الجِماع : ملاعبةُ المرأة ، وتقبيلُها ، ومصُّ لِسانها ، وكان رسول الله صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يُلاعبُ أهله ، ويُقَبلُها

And from what should precede sex is fondling by way of kissing her and sucking her tongue. The Messenger (peace and blessings be upon) him used to fondle and kiss his wives. [Zaad al Maad 4/253]

By their nature, it takes time for women to be ready for actual intercourse. Therefore, men should pay attention to this and try not to be in haste or become selfish when approaching their wives for sex. Some men only care about themselves and when they are done, they don't even want to know whether their wives are satisfied or not. Foreplay can last for up to 30 minutes or even up to an hour while penetration can just be within 5 minutes or even less depending on a man's nature. The foreplay helps a woman to enjoy herself to an extent before penetration.

When it comes to penetration, what most women want is for a man to be in control of his erection till they are satisfied and not just thrusting for too long without dealing with the right spot. In fact, prolonged thrusting can cause a woman injury especially when she is dry and she is shy to tell her husband. It is not proper for a woman to endure this kind of pain. It is better to communicate and understand each other.

Women still enjoy sex even without cumming. But it must be noted that the peak of sexual enjoyment for women too is the female ejaculation. And when it comes to ejaculation for women, penetration is not the priority. Some women do not attain orgasm through penetration alone. The husband must offer a lavished foreplay and engage in nipples stimulation during penetration. For most women, the most sensitive parts of the body that helps them reach orgasm are the nipples and the clitoris. These two organs are central to women's enjoyment of sex. Read more in a book titled "Kunyaza" written by Habeeb Akande, a British-Nigerian who specializes in women sexual satisfaction.

In finding solutions to sexual problems, it is dangerous to be stereotypical. Couples should be careful of what they read, hear or watch about sex, especially on the internet. There are too many sex educators out there without expertise. Following a generalized view can be dangerous. Different couples have different ways of enjoying themselves. Each couple should rather study each other, engage in fruitful communication and please each other according to their natures. It is not safe to be taking those aphrodisiacs without proper prescription by experts. In fact the best thing is to avoid them. The case of many of these herbal drinks is even worse because they do not even have measurements, NAFDAC approval or expiry date. Their abuse can lead to kidney diseases and several other ailments.

A man who faces quick release or premature ejaculation in the first round of sex can attempt a second round. The second attempt is usually better. Cumming early in the first round may not be a problem. His wife must be patient with him because that could just be his own nature. She should understand his situation and not push him to go the extra mile to please her sexually. It may be a problem if the quick release is caused by addiction to pornography and masturbation. In this case, he must quit these two evils to regain his confidence. But if it is caused by some psychological factors (e.g. anxiety, fear etc.), having a cold bath after the first round can help him to regain his strength early. Chatting seductively with each other can also help him to regain the erection for the second round. Constant exercise and regular sex can also help to prevent premature ejaculation. The more a man release, the more control he has over his erection.

Then, women need to understand that it is not always that a man would be at his sexual best, just as a woman would not always be at her best in it. Even if it is just one round that a man can afford, he should do it well starting with adequate foreplay and finish it up with clitoral stimulation (using his finger) till his wife is satisfied. Sometimes, your spouse will perform so well and you will be astonished. And sometimes, he or she may not be as impressive as you wish. This is where sexual contentment plays a great role. This is why couples need to always communicate and understand each other instead of pretending to be fine and suffering secretly.