MARRIAGE COUNSELING: EMULATING THE PROPHETIC EXAMPLE
By
Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori
4th Sha'ban 1446AH (3rd February 2025)
A lot of men, including some scholars and students of knowledge do not usually value counseling or at least seeking guidance or advice from a fellow scholar on their marital issues until they have the opportunity to witness what counselors and scholars who are conversant with resolution of marital issues do.
Some people think knowledge alone solves all problems. In Polygyny with Mercy, while discussing the conditions precedent, I deliberately separated knowledge from counseling. They are two different things. I usually take my time to commend men, especially scholars who are humble enough to seek counseling or summon the courage to appear before a counselor at the expense of their wives. It is a rare thing in our society. In fact, to some men, their wives taking their matters to a counselor after all abortive efforts is an automatic Khul' (application for divorce). He will say "if you go there, it is over between us".
These days, it is not advisable to get married without pre-marital counseling whether the marriage is monogamous or polygynous. The purpose of counseling is not necessarily for couples to be taught what they don't know in all cases. It is a platform for reminder and admonition and no one is above this. Some see seeking counseling before marriage as a way of belittling themselves with their wealth of knowledge. Some think seeking counseling in the middle of a serious marital crisis that can cause divorce is a way of exposing their own secrets to a third party, but that is not the case if confidentiality is well guaranteed. The way we enter hospitals and get treated by medical experts without anyone knowing about it, we can quietly enter a counseling home or meet an experienced scholar to get marital problems solved without anyone's knowledge. There is even provision for virtual counseling these days. Though details of couples are very important for administrative reasons, the identity of the personalities involved in a marital crisis may be hidden in some cases. The main objective of counseling is to prevent divorce by all means except it becomes the best option.
Part of the benefit of pre-marital counseling is to create an enabling environment for reassurance over the terms and conditions of the contract that is about to be sealed. There is no contract that is as important as a marriage contract because it is نصف الدين (Half of the Faith) as the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said in a Hadith. With the rate of divorce in our society these days and the consequences on the larger society, it is not enough to just conduct a nikāh; the entire process should be supervised by experienced experts on the field. There is a need for proper evaluation and understanding of the terms and conditions parties have agreed on before the deal is finally sealed and both parties must be protected. Both the man and the woman are bound by their stipulations and the covenant must be respected (Qur'ān 5:1).
Counseling before marriage is a great opportunity to ensure meeting of the minds of the would-be couple and guide the parties through the entire process and incidental issues. It is an opportunity to let the two parties understand the need to have at least someone they listen to - someone that can call them to order when they act wrongly in the marriage. Rejecting counseling or at least a session with an experienced scholar before marriage is a red flag. It is a sign that the party that is rejecting counseling may be difficult to correct when there is an issue in the marriage. No marriage is perfect. Couples should ensure they settle their differences without involving a third party. But if they find this difficult to achieve, it is a must to seek guidance from scholars or professionals in the field. No one is above this. Even counselors are not immune from it. When it comes to marriage, I can't vouch for any man or woman who does not assure me he or she will be open to counseling if there is a serious marital issue. Sometimes, a man or woman may not be the one at fault, but if he or she denies him or herself fair hearing, his or her side will not be known.
The Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم is the best example for us when it comes to seeking marital counseling. Perhaps, Allāh delayed wahy (revelation) in the case of Aishah رضي الله عنها just to teach us a great lesson in the marital life of the Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم. He had to consult some trustworthy people around him. This is a basis of seeking marital counseling in Islām. In the relevant Hadith as narrated by our mother, Aishah رضي الله عنها and reported in Saheeh Bukhari, she said:
وَدَعَا رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم عَلِيَّ بْنَ أَبِي طَالِبٍ وَأُسَامَةَ بْنَ زَيْدٍ حِينَ اسْتَلْبَثَ الْوَحْىُ يَسْأَلُهُمَا وَيَسْتَشِيرُهُمَا فِي فِرَاقِ أَهْلِهِ
When the Divine Inspiration was delayed. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) called `Ali bin Abi Talib and Usama bin Zaid to ask and consult them about divorcing me. [Bukhari, 4141]
Some issues are better thrashed at the pre-marital stage. Entering a marriage with the false hope that issues would always be resolved amicably because the parties are knowledgeable is dangerous. Everyone has a tendency to misbehave except those Allāh save from this trial. In a pre-marital session, it should be categorically stated and agreed by the two parties that they can be reported to a qualified and trustworthy counselor or a scholar if there is a complex problem in the marriage.
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