MEN TAKING CARE OF CHILDREN AFTER DIVORCE

By

Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori

20th April 2025

It is the responsibility of a man to take good care of his children even after divorcing his wife. These days, there are many cases of men not willing to shoulder their responsibilities over their children after divorce. A lot of women have been turned to beggars because they can't help the situation. Men in this situation really need to fear Allāh. There are also cases of women hiding children from their biological fathers after divorce without any valid reason. Divorce does not necessarily mean ex husband and wife should become enemies and be treating each other badly. In the sharī'ah, divorce process is meant to be peaceful. It should not be turned into a war. The laws of Allāh must be allowed to prevail. Allāh says:

فَاِ ذَا بَلَغْنَ اَجَلَهُنَّ فَاَ مْسِكُوْهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوْفٍ اَوْ فَا رِقُوْهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوْفٍ وَّاَشْهِدُوْا ذَوَيْ عَدْلٍ مِّنْكُمْ وَاَ قِيْمُوا الشَّهَا دَةَ لِلّٰهِ ۗ ذٰ لِكُمْ يُوْعَظُ بِهٖ مَنْ كَا نَ يُؤْمِنُ بِا للّٰهِ وَا لْيَوْمِ الْاٰ خِرِ ۙ وَمَنْ يَّـتَّـقِ اللّٰهَ يَجْعَلْ لَّهٗ مَخْرَجًا 

And when they have [nearly] fulfilled their term, either retain them according to acceptable terms or part with them according to acceptable terms. And bring to witness two just men from among you and establish the testimony for [the acceptance of] Allah. That is instructed to whoever should believe in Allah and the Last day. And whoever fears Allah - He will make for him a way out (QS. At-Talaaq: Verse 2)

It is sad some men are being forced to take care of the needs of their children while they are still alive. One would think that a father will love his child or children so much that he would not want anything to affect their welfare and education even after a divorce. But the reverse is usually the case, though there are several positive cases too. It takes the fear of Allah for divorced men not to ventilate their grievances against their ex wives in a way that it will affect their children adversely. 

I think the best way to begin to address this issue is to keep orientating the Muslim community on how to deal with post divorce issues. Divorce is usually a great trial for both parties. May Allāh protect us from it. That is why it must be prevented except it becomes obviously inevitable. Divorced couples must accept the Decree of Allāh and not question the Will of Allāh by misbehaving. Out of anger, some divorced couples disregard the sharī'ah guidelines and follow their desires. 

Women are warned not to prevent their ex husbands from seeing their children according to schedule except for a good reason. Experience on the field has shown that some men try to harm their ex wives through their children. Some even go to the extent of trying to harm their ex-wife's subsequent marriage by distracting her with constant problems. Some women may nearly lose their subsequent marriages as a result of this except their husbands are patient. 

A woman has a tendency to be emotionally destabilized if her ex-husband is always getting at her through her children and this may affect her dealing with her new husband. This is one of the reasons some men fear marrying divorcees. Sometimes, men seeing their children after divorce is subject to good behaviour. Some men would be allowed to see their children and they will run away with them. 

After divorce, men should make sure they perform their responsibilities on their children whether or not the ex wife hides the children from them. Two wrongs can't make a right. The fact that a woman is misbehaving should not stop a man from acting responsibly. No matter what, the children would trace their father and unite with him if he does his best to take care of them despite their mother's negative steps. He should perform his financial responsibilities and keep records. Some women prevent their ex husbands from taking care of their kids just because they believe they are capable of doing it alone. They do this out of anger. This is very wrong. 

It must be noted that a man can only spend according to his means. This is why a man needs to work hard to cater for his family and not to always hide under unemployment or poor economy to refrain from performing his responsibilities. Sincerely, it is not the wish of some men not to spend on their children after divorce. They may not truly have the capacity. Yet, they must work hard, spend according to their means and support this with good behavior and kind words. What pains women who are in this kind of situation is when a man is incapacitated and he still doesn't appreciate the efforts of his ex-wife in taking care of his kids. 

One of the delicate issues that arise after divorce is who determines which school or Madrasah a child or the children attend. In the first place, women in this kind of situation need to understand that a father generally has the right to determine the school or Madrasah of the kids. However, this right is not absolute. For instance, reasonably, standards should not be compromised. Then if the woman is the one who has custody, then the ex-husband needs to consider her convenience in selecting a school. 

A man should not let the school of his choice be too far in a way that it will be difficult for his ex-wife to navigate. In most cases, the reason men in this kind of situation want to choose school is affordability without considering the standard. Women in this situation should also be considerate by not insisting on expensive schools. Standard and affordability are both important. The parties need to have effective communication and settle for what is best for them and the children. They must be careful of taking arbitrary decisions in this regard.

In addition, men usually want their children to celebrate 'Eid with them if they are in the custody of their ex wives. The two parties should have a mutual understanding on this. One of the reasons some women are reluctant to allow the children to go for holidays is the fear of them being exposed to evils. If the family of the man is such that they lack understanding of Taoheed and Sunnah, it may affect the children even if they stay there for a few days. Under the sharī'ah, a woman may also lose custody for the same reason. If a woman is nonchalant in her Deen or bad In character, she may concede custody. In granting custody, what the Court considers most is the Deen, welfare and education of the children. 

Lastly, taking a legal step in Court should not be underrated. Except the presiding judge is biased or unjust, depending on the circumstances of each case, the court has the power to order a man to perform his responsibilities especially if he is rich and capable of doing so. In the same vein, the court can order a wife to allow a man to see his children provided he is of good behaviour.

May Allāh continue to guide us aright.