A WOMAN SHOULD MARRY A MAN THAT VALUES HER

By

Dr. Mariam V. Lawal

I have always to said to any lady seeking to marry that that she should go for a man who values her. I am also speaking from the point of experience. I happened to get married a little late, well into my early 30s. I had finished my first degree, did Masters, already started working and then continued studies into Ph.D. level, yet Mr. Right was not in the picture. You can imagine the kind of pressure I was receiving from various quarters to settle down. Some people were already thinking I wasn't interested in marriage because I was putting great efforts into "effico"(bookworm)things. But this was my way of coping with the situation. 

As a young, promising lady, men did come along expressing interest in marrying me, but none seemed to tick the boxes right. As someone living with a chronic disorder (SCD) and also some degree of hearing impairment, I knew I couldn't afford to settle for just anybody. I needed a man who would stand by me, come rain or sunshine, a man who would offer a strong support system for me due to my special needs. Such a man would see beyond my medical challenges and appreciate that I also have something precious to offer as a real woman in his life. He shouldn't be someone who looks down on me or my condition, or thinks of me as an invalid who needs some favours from him. In fact, every lady needs a good man, who truly values her, irrespective of her health status. But someone with a peculiar medical condition like me just cannot afford to fall for the wrong man. It could be disastrous.

At a point, as I realised was getting older, I nearly fell for the wrong person, because thinking my parents were being over-protective, I sought my own space and started giving audience to one of my supposed suitors. Alhamdulillah, my parents didn't stop looking out for me. My parents were the only people who weren't pressuring me to get married because they understood my circumstances too well. My father used to remind me, regarding my condition, to only accept a man who is truly ready to walk the walk with me in whatever situation I find myself. The aftermath of the near-mishap with the supposed suitor made me realise that I must take things easy, and that Allah will grant my own man at the right time. So, I relaxed, intensified my prayers, doing  istikharah (prayer for seeking guidance) and often reciting that du'a for a righteous spouse and children, 

"Rabbana hablana min azwajina wa dhurriyatina qurrata a'yunin waj'alna lil muttaqina imama."

Meaning: "Our Lord, grant us in our spouses and offspring, the coolness of our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous." 

Eventually, and not long after, the man who would be my husband walked into my life so seamlessly. He not only ticked the boxes right, he truly showed that he valued me.

So, as a young lady  seeking a spouse, be extra cautious and table your needs in prayer before the All-Knower, All-Seer and All-Hearer. When you receive proposals, look out for the following signs that can help you to identify  a man who values you:

1. He cares for the things that matter to you and will prioritize  you and your needs as a woman or person with special needs. You are not an afterthought for him.

2. He is caring and gentle, respects your values and boundaries and treats you with kindness.

3. He accepts you wholeheartedly and doesn't look down on you  over any of your weak spots,  such as a chronic condition or disability. 

4. He is not ashamed of whom you are. He is sincerely proud of you and your natural and special abilities. 

5. He is committed to learning more about you, your condition and how both of you can blossom mutually in marriage.

6. He supports your dreams and personal aspirations. He doesn't talk you out of your ambitions.

7. He is happy to involve you in his life affairs and social activities. He proudly introduces you to his family, friends and associates.  He is not the one to hide you behind closed doors so that his people do not know of your existence.

8. He foresees a future life with you when he talks about his plans for the future. 

9. He is also eager to associate with all those dear to you - your family,  friends and other associates. 

10. He doesn't try to dissociate you from those people who matter to you, especially those who care for you. He encourages you to continue bonding with them.

These are just some vital signs a lady should look out for in a prospective spouse. There will be other clues to guide you. It is important that you don't make your decision singlehandedly, so that you are not trapped by emotions. Remember your istikharah and involve your parents and your close family support system.

May Allah grant you the best (Aamin).

I remain The Amazon 💕