SEXUAL DISCIPLINE IN A MARRIAGE

By

Abu Imrān

(Warning: This post contains sexually explicit discussion intended solely for the education of married persons)

One of the hardest conversation to have with some married men is sexual discipline. This is because on the surface, marriage implies unrestricted access to sexual pleasure, so why the talk of discipline? While this holds true to a reasonable extent, it is not absolute. I will explain it with an analogy. A rich man who has the means to afford any food he wants will still be advised to have some form of eating discipline because despite it being halal and easily accessible, too much of anything will eventually harm you in the long run. So, we should strive to achieve some form of sexual discipline and self-control despite being married. There will be circumstantial moments in marriage that you will want sex and not have it. How is your mind prepared to deal with this? 

Assuming you both go for hajj and you suddenly become in need of intimacy what will you do?

Or you traveled and became quite in need of being with a woman, then what?

Or she is hospitalised for a period?

Or she had a CS? 

Note that I deliberately started with the first two examples to shut the mouth of those that will clamour for another wife as an alternative. Irrespective of the number of wives you have, a bit of sexual discipline is inevitable for moments that sex may not be an available option, then what do you do?

Sexual discipline is an integral part of building a healthy sexually intimate relationship with one's spouse. The absence of it makes us sexually selfish, making us expect the sexual act to revolve around us. It makes men to be sexually desperate and inconsiderate. If he wants it, he must get it, there is no doing otherwise. It gets so bad that we have seen cases of men who forced their way with their wives in Ramadan, while on her menses, as well as while she is very sick.

Sexual discipline gives you a lot of control over intimate sessions with your wife. When you look at your wife, you dont see a mere object for the satisfaction of your needs, you see a living and breathing human with needs just like yours. It creates room for the chance of seeing sex as a mutually pleasing event because:

●There is a higher chance of making attempts to hold off you needs in the best interest of your wife (this should not be interpreted as a justification for women denying their spouses sex as this is an action that attracts the anger of Allāh). Such sexual consideration helps build an atmosphere of love and appreciation and the feeling that your interests in a person is more than just sex.

● It also increases the chance that you will be concerned about your wife's satisfaction. Sex won't start and end with the satisfaction of your needs.

●Because you are able to have some control over your needs, you are able to exert some restrain on your mind even during moments of peak sexual pleasure. Distraction is a well known technique for delaying ejaculation and prolonging the sexual act. This is when a man is able to take his mind off the pleasure to slow down the build up towards climax. A great deal of control over one's urge is required to do this, a nearly impossible thing for some as it is a one way drive - he mounts, he gallops, he arrives.

●Sexual discipline also helps create room for intimate bonding that doesn't always lead to sex. If your wife can't touch you intimately without asking to go all the way, it limits intimacy outside sex. If you can't kiss, fondle or hug intimately without automatically getting activated for sex, it might affect intimate bonding since everything is linked to sex. Your wife may even avoid getting too intimate with you lest you ask for the ultimate (I recently learnt that some women are also built like this).

●For those that intend to practice coitus interuptus (withdrawal), men who have some form of sexual discipline are the more likely to be good at it, though like any skill, it is practice that makes perfect, for those that can.

One of the things I teach the young teenagers in our mukallaf sessions is that the mind and the genitals are connected. Urge, erection and libido are intricately connected to our mind. While you may not have full control over them, they are not totally out of your control either. It is good if early enough you learn to increase how much influence your mind has on your desires including sexual desires. The more you are able to control it the better a man you will be.