HELPING OUR CHILDREN TO FIND THEIR PATHS

By 

Abu Imrān

9th September 2024

I grew up being put under intense pressure to not just be the best, but be better than everyone in my class. Coming second was akin to failing. Well, I wouldn't completely criticise that because sometimes swords are forged from the hottest furnace, but if I learnt anything from that, it is that I won't raise my kids that way.

I will want them to be exceptional and intelligent, but they won't be competing with anybody but themselves. Set your own record and smash it consistently. Be better than you were everyday, but grow at your pace. Individual differences will be recognised. Come 1st or 10th, I won't really care, I want to see how you performed in particular subjects. If you came 1st but did poorly in math then there is a problem somewhere. If you came first but scored just average in all the subjects then you are probably just a one-eyed kid in a blind kids kingdom.

More importantly, failure is not a curse. There is nothing to be ashamed of about failing. Work with your kids to help them be better rather than shaming them for failing. When you see yourself in a competition with yourself it is much more fun than when you are under pressure to be better than anyone. It is what breeds envy and jealousy even in children.

I will also not be putting all my eggs in one education basket. Perhaps the kid is just poor with the classroom but dexterous outside it. We will try to push you through school as we hone your other skills. Our duty is helping our kids find the path that suits them the most. When we become so myopic as to think earning a degree is the only route to success we limit the reach of our children. I in fact foresee a future where it will be very difficult for fathers to send all their kids to the university due to high cost of living and education. I guess by then we will be forced to ensure our kids learn skills in life and strive to be independent earlier, perhaps some of them will support themselves through the university. This was once how parenting operated for some - your parents help you half the way, you learn partial independence and see yourself through the rest. Boys became men earlier in such a setting and they weren't dragging filters with women on social media. Anyway, that is a post for another day.

I am writing this post first as a reminder to myself. Writing about parenting is the easiest part. Walking the talk is the real deal. Your wish for greatness for your kids can overwhelm you so much you wont know when you go overboard with your expectations from them. Just as we do with our roles as husband and wife, we should always try to evaluate our approach. Are we being too tough and rigid? Cant we be better?

May Allāh make us better parents.